[Captain Kirk] Welcome Aboard, Ensign.
Mr. Scott, you seem a bit more irritable than usual these last few days.
Mr. Scott, you seem a bit more irritable than usual these last few days.
[Scotty] I just can’t get the
balance right, Captain!
[Captain Kirk] Is there a problem
with the matter anti-matter balance in the warp core?
[Scotty] No, Captain, the warp
core is purring like a kitten. It’s the food replicators. Ever since we brought
on supplies at the starship
base on Berengaria VII, the protein to starch ratio has been way off. It’s
like we are all getting an extra portion of beans with every meal. Our supplies
might be showing some residual effects of when the Romulans took over the
planet.
[Bones] The routine physicals
over the past few weeks have shown elevated blood pressure and slight weight
gain.
[Captain Kirk] Hmm. Yes, I have
noticed my belt has expanded out a notch or so. Well Mr. Scott, you are not
going to get the food replicators balanced up here on the bridge.
[Scotty] Aye Captain, I’ll get
right on it.
[Captain Kirk] What was that
sound?
[Scotty] Oh, that was, ah, a
squeak in these boots, Captain. I just had them resoled.
[Mr. Spock] That seems to be a recurring
phenomenon across all decks Captain. Logically, it would seem all of the
resoled boots are in some way… defective.
[Captain Kirk] Captains log,
Stardate 1709.2. We have just completed our mission to resupply the outpost at
Farpoint station and are making our way to Earth. We will be passing by the
Napa-Sonoma Nebula, which is quite a beautiful phenomenon to witness – from a
safe distance. Those that enter seldom return. And those that do return are
irreparably harmed. The Neutral zone will be off our port side. The threat of
Romulan intrusion into Federation space is always a real and unwelcomed
possibility.
[Background discussion] “Live
long and prosper. Before I met Mr. Spock, I always thought that was a punch
line to a wiener dog joke.”
[Captain Kirk] Keep that to
yourself helmsman. Mr. Spock does not have much of a sense of humor.
[Mr Chekov] Approaching the
Napa-Sonoma Nebula, Keptin.
[Captain Kirk] Steady as she
goes.
[Bones] It’s quite a sight to
behold, Jim.
[Captain Kirk] Yes, it is Bones.
It reminds me of the Aurora Australis. The Southern Lights of Earth most
visible from the southern continent of Australia .
[Scotty] There was a wee couple
of islands off the southern coast of Australia . Were they part of the
Australian continent as well Captain?
[Captain Kirk] No, those North
and South islands were called New
Zealand and they were part of a separate and
submerged continent called Zealandia. Not to be confused with Portlandia. What
is that smell?
[Scotty] Ah, that’s the warp core
Captain. We had to vent a wee bit of drive plasma.
[Mr. Spock] It seems that after
Earth’s New Year celebration of 2024, everyone in Sydney, Melbourne
and Adelaide , Australia
[Scotty] We lost a lot of good
sheep that day, Mr. Spock.
[Captain Kirk] New Zealand
reminds me of Farpoint station in relation to the Napa-Sonoma Nebula. They were
such a small colony in a far away corner of the planet bordered by a much
larger Australian continent. They also grew some of the same wines. It was
called Syrah in New Zealand
and the rest of Earth’s wine growing regions, but it was called Shiraz in Australia .
Sometimes co-grown and co-fermented with Viognier, as we see in this picture
from Amalie Robert Estate. Lt. Uhura, can you get that on the main viewer?
[Mr. Spock] Highly illogical. Why
did the Australians choose to ostracize themselves by calling the wine Shiraz ? And why would you
grow white grapes right next to black grapes?
[Bones] That is a matter of
speculation Mr. Spock. It seems that many of the vine cuttings made their way
from Hermitage in France to Australia via the penal colony boats coming out
of England .
Quality control was not really a French “spécialité”
at the time and the vine cuttings got mixed together. Anyway, the English
solution to crime, sickness and “deplorables” was to simply ship them off to penal colonies in Australia
like Port Aurthur
in Tasmania . Better
than ending up in Perth ,
I guess.
[Mr. Spock] Australia was a
relatively new and undiscovered continent. And it is worth pointing out that
those vine cuttings were not about to plant and tend themselves. They needed
labor, deplorable or not.
[Scotty] It was rumored that
before the Australians flushed them, the New Zealanders had developed warp drive
capability. The Australians got wind of this technology and they were able to
make it work.
[Bones] There seems to be some
breaking wind here on the bridge.
[Captain Kirk] You know, Amalie
Robert Estate grows and produces some of the finest Syrah in
the galaxy and they are going to be open this weekend. They will be pouring a
vertical of their Satisfaction Syrah. I received the communication via subspace
just a few days ago.
[Mr. Spock] The timing of this
open house and the recent intergalactic publication of Wine & Spirits Magazine
seems highly correlated.
[Captain Kirk] Strike while the
iron is hot, Mr. Spock.
[Mr. Chekov] Keptin, Amalie
Robert Estate is a long ways away from our present course.
[Captain Kirk] Mr. Checkov, could
you be more vague?
[Mr. Chekov] Probably not, Sir.
But, I could try.
[Lt.Uhura] Captain, Romulan
warbid decloaking off the port side!
[Captain Kirk] What was that
sound, Ensign!?
[Ensign] I said “Oh Shit!”
Captain.
[Bones] It looks like he meant
it.
[Captain Kirk] Red Alert! Battle Stations! Spock,
have they entered the Neutral Zone!?
[Mr. Spock] They have not,
Captain.
[Captain Kirk] On Screen! Lt.
Uhura, hailing frequencies open.
[Captain Kirk] This is Captain
James T. Kirk of the USS Federation Starship Enterprise. State your purpose.
[Romulan Commander] Earth vessel Enterprise . We have been
following your warp engine signature for some time. It seems to be highly
correlated to a noxious gas that is emanating from your life support diffusers.
[Captain Kirk] Thank you for
pointing that out Commander. Yes, we picked up some bad dilithium crystals at
our last stop on starship base Berengaria VII. I believe you know of it.
[Romulan Commander] Yes. It seems
to be going around. We were never able to domesticate the dragons there. I see
you have made them an endangered species. Your wisdom in this matter escapes
me. In monitoring your subspace communications Captain, we have ascertained
that you are planning to make a maximum warp speed run back to Earth.
[Captain Kirk] Commander, I have
said no such thing. We are observing the Napa-Sonoma Nebula from our side of
the Neutral Zone and perfectly within our rights of the agreed treaty to do so.
[Romulan Commander] Quite. So am
I to understand you will not be acquiring any Shiraz or Viognier from Amalie Robert Estate?
[Bones under his breath] Jim!
He’s an Australian!
[Captain Kirk] I know Bones. Once
the Australians figured out the warp core design the New Zealanders had
developed, they built a ship and filled it with their deplorables and sent it
off into space. They landed on a planet similar to Uranus and called it Romulus . Where the Ale
comes from is still a mystery.
Commander, we might be passing by
Earth in a few days time. What interest does this hold for you?
[Romulan Commander] Captain Kirk,
as you are very well aware, Earth is the only planet in this or any other galaxy
that grows wine. That is why we have spared it from any attack and even
protected it from the Ferengi, but that is a future episode so don’t spoil the
plot. May I call you Jim?
[Captain Kirk] Commander, yes, I
am aware we have the only wine terrorr in all of the known, and by definition,
unknown galaxies. Jim is fine. What’s your name?
[Romulan Commander] Jim, my name
is unpronounceable in your language, unless you have a mouthful of marbles and
even then only your Chief Engineer would be so gifted as to even attempt it.
You may address me as “My Buddy the Romulan Commander” if it pleases you.
[Captain Kirk] Alright Buddy,
what is your interest in wine from Earth?
[Romulan Commander] Dear Jim, you
must understand, we have nothing even close to wine to placate our palates
during meals, or for meditational purposes. That’s what I meant Jim, meditational
purposes. You see on our home world, we seek enlightenment through meditation.
We can meditate for hours, and often do. Without wine, it is a sparse and
meager existence, but one we are forced to embrace. We have also very recently
lost our poppy fields.
[Captain Kirk] But you have Romulan
Ale. Romulan Ale is coveted throughout all the galaxies.
[Romulan Commander] Yes Jim, this
is true. Have you ever tasted Romulan Ale? Sure, we make an ocean of it and it
is virtually all exported. It is like the wines from the Napa-Sonoma Nebula -
highly allocated, but never consumed. It is often bought and then resold on
winebid.com. It is not for us. We seek the holy grail of wine. We seek Shiraz .
[Captain Kirk] Well listen here,
buddy. What if I told you to go pound sand?
[Mr. Spock] Captain, I believe
you have made a “Fau-PAUX!” That is Klingon, but roughly translated it means to
soil in your own mess kit.
[Romulan Commander] Well Jim, we
would not care to “go pound sand.” How would you like us to substitute all the
liquids aboard your vessel with Romulan Ale? You would remember us often, but I
assure you, not fondly.
[Captain Kirk] I see your point. We
could be going past Amalie Robert Estate and they have a very compelling cool
climate Syrah. And it has a very appropriate name, “Satisfaction.” Would that
be of interest to you? Would you like to get some Satisfaction, buddy?
[Romulan Commander] Oh Jim, yes.
We would be very pleased to get some Satisfaction. And I have seen that you are
on the “A-List” with Amalie Robert Estate which affords you discounts and other
benefits and privileges. Would you be so gracious as to extend your A-List discount
to me, your buddy the Romulan Commander? As you know, we are unable to cross to
Neutral zone to sign up for the A-List.
[Mr. Spock] Jim, this could go a
very long way in advancing interstellar relations between Earth and the
Australians, I mean Romulans.
[Captain Kirk] It hasn’t stopped
them before. But it confirms one thing, Mr. Spock. They are not A-List
material.
Very well then. We shall return
to these exact coordinates in one week’s time.
[Captain Kirk] Mr. Scott, I am
beaming down to Amalie Robert Estate to get some Satisfaction. I want the food
replicators rebalanced and the diluthium crystals changed out before I get
back. I can’t seem to stop my eyes from watering.
[Scotty] Will do Captain, even if
I have to take the Enterprise
apart piece by piece.
[Scotty] Well that should do it
Captain. I have beamed a case of Satisfaction aboard the Australian vessel. I
mean Romulan vessel.
[Captain Kirk] Yes. And what a
vintage… Earth 2010. They had to retrieve this from their “library.”
[Mr. Spock] How curious Captain.
The people of Earth were using wine for meditation in their libraries.
[Captain Kirk] Not exactly Mr.
Spock. Alright, let’s get out of here. Full Astern! Emergency warp speed!
[Mr. Checkov] What is that, Keptin?
[Mr. Spock] I suspect the
Romulans have just discovered that the Satisfaction they have received has been
kidney filtered.
[Captain Kirk] Yes, Mr. Spock it
would seem, they “can’t get no Satisfaction!”
[Scotty] Captain, we’ve got to
dodge that gas cloud. I just got the air cleaned up in here!
[Captain Kirk] Mr. Chekov, take
us up to the edge of the Napa-Sonoma Nebula, but do not enter. There is a
pretty steep tariff just for going in. With all of the reduction in there, no
one will notice this gas cloud.
[Mr. Chekov] Approaching the Cab-Franc
sector, Keptin.
[Lt.Uhura] Captain, the gas cloud
is dissipating. It seems to have a distance limitation.
[Captain Kirk] Out of gas, are
they? Well then, let’s give them a proper send off. Fire phasers!
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